


Antigravity

by Noctomata



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuRoku - Freeform, AkuSai, Anger, Angst, Birth by Sleep - Freeform, Canon Divergence, Caught, Cheating, Drama, Dream Drop Distance, Equivalence Exchange, Flashback, Game Quotes, Game bits, Game conection, Game reference, Hurt, Isa - Freeform, Kingdom Hearts II - Freeform, Lots of drama, M/M, Missing, Mistakes, Organization XIII - Freeform, Pain, Past, Regrets, Sora is sleep the whole time lol, Sort of revenge, Tears, There no fluff here, Ventus reference on Roxas looks, Xion shipper, curse words?, fight, kiss, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-26 00:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15651738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noctomata/pseuds/Noctomata
Summary: Sacrifice isn't sometimes enough.Saïx wished he knew that before everything. Before the golden eyes, before the scar, before the boy at the plaza. But now it's too late and after listening to a couple of whispering voices from Axel's room everything is over.The misfortune has a name and a face for him: Roxas.Axel wants to fix everything, but he was never good at it, from the start. Breaking a heart, surely has a terrible price to pay.





	Antigravity

-He’s a _kid_! He’s a _fucking brat,_ Axel! Don’t you realize that, dammit? -

Silence was the only response. The green that danced like fire with so many shades rebelled now to show an icy tone, that he rarely has seen in him.

Saïx wasn’t the type that regretted things; at least, never out loud. And that moment wouldn’t be the exception. He now had enough with betraying his own “ _personality_ ”, constructed with so much effort under the tenet of not having a heart. Enough was already shouting at all.

He knew perfectly well that someone would be listening, as always. There was never the possibility of secrets; the privacy in the Organization wasn’t anything else but a bad joke told by a terrible comedian in the middle of a funeral. Maybe Axel thought that it existed, only for some moments; but it wasn’t true. He would know everything, as someone else would know everything about him as well.

The venomous stigma of his golden eyes made him felt as his stomach revolved in vertigo; the sensation of not being himself and at the same time, being him more than ever suffered a juxtaposition over his… over the place in which time ago his soul was.

He noticed that one of the motives of his rage wasn’t moving and wanted to unsay everything this time alone. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to yell at him or not. He wasn’t sure about anything at that moment.

It was supposed that they didn’t had feelings. It was supposed that they were free from the terrible burden the heart was. An even now, for some reason, that they yearned synthetically, imitating the echo that only their memory produced, to have one, he couldn’t say he missed it.

What was he thinking? So much time of remaining completely tranquil. Hermetically calm, always in absolute control. He built his merits over emotional absences, saying goodbye to more parts of his humanity each time, everything in search for true freedom. For both of them.

In the beginning, not having feelings appeared as an advantage; without feelings, no one can detect a traitor. Even if it was beside you, being a Judas was more than a piece of cake. But now, every word that came out Xemnas mouth, had a disgusting taste of lies.

Saïx didn’t expect that the darkness ambassador was sincere, but at least a part of him had wished that one thing or another were true. But it didn’t turn like that.

He looked at Axel, trying to organize his own thoughts. Stupidly asking help to who was ironically his executioner or his punishment. Surely both.

Probably with how the redhead was, he would be dying to take both roles and he would represent them with the dramatic excellence that he didn’t lose not even for an instant.

There wasn’t anything there. There wasn’t his friend, nor his partner, and less of all his lover. There wasn’t a place in Axel for him.

He felt that something inside him was stabbed with ice stakes. Inside him something twisted into itself and squeezed every fiber of his being into a suffocating intrusive anxiety. Was that betrayal? Were those jealous? Was it rage?

Maybe is everything. He thought, laughing. It didn’t matter much the name they had. Even as someone absolutely logical and with a thirst of comprehension to conquer; the fact of fighting that lost battle against all those emotions that the redhead produced in him, was something he wasn’t willing to do. It was too stupid. He would only make it worse to himself than just letting them run freely.

He held his gaze projecting a hate that wasn’t directed to the charismatic owner of the green eyes, but to the object of his passion.

Not that Axel knew that, of course. He could only see the invectives directed to him; and it was only because of his instinct and the need to protect what he loved, that he contained his terrible wish of crying.

Isa was, maybe not his first love, but certainly the greatest one. He had loved Isa and had feared every second being away from him; full with the panic of being forgotten by the other in one moment or another. There wasn’t a punishment more terrible that oblivion.

Axel was always a talkative person, but with the one of the blue hair he couldn’t refrain a word ever, it didn’t matter how hard he tried.

That was how he told him that he was in love. In a rushed sentence that was conceived as a mere thought and accidentally exposed at loud, since he didn’t know how to control himself around him.

He always wanted to impress him. Always. That was the only thing that he had always wished for, beside his fear of being forgotten.

All those times trying to enter to the castle, to demonstrate that he was someone bold and interesting. All those fights with every other guy that crossed his way, only to demonstrate he was strong, that he could protect him, that he could fight for him.

Because he loved him.

Even when they ended up in that terrible mess, he had loved him.

When they told them they had lost their hearts, he planned together with Isa -Now Saïx- to recover it, so they could be together.

 

For him it was hard to believe all that nonsense of not having feelings, since even in that condition of being dressed for a funeral all the time; he haven’t stop feeling that burning passion for his _friend._

Maybe that was the reason of why his materialized weapon was surrounded by fire. Because the only thing that was inside him, even if it was true that he was stripped off everything else, was what he felt for Isa.

His relationship advanced inevitably with the time that they spent together. At first it was shy and almost secret, the first times they went out together.

Axel remembered that time that he fought with Ventus.

He would be lying if he said that that was entirely to show off in front of his date. He wasn’t a saint after all. He didn’t try to act like one either.

Isa gave his existence course, but Ventus made his universe turn upside down.

Ventus had blue eyes, but that wasn’t important. They were the visual expression of the taste that the _Sea-Salt ice cream_ had. They were terribly sweet, but at the same time, they were charged with that salted mischief. His smile was the type that foretells troubles that you only end longing for the moment they are gone. All his physique was adorable and everything that he could see about his personality was even more.

The redhead could swore it was love at first sight, if it wasn’t for his conscience -usually dusty buried inside his deepest being- that started stirring furiously with the iron of the guilt and when he heard Isa laughing behind him for his defeat (entirely caused because he was too busy admiring the blond to pay attention to the fight, obviously.) he couldn’t but felt divided in a weird interdimensional moment.

On one side, there was the unknown, but beautiful Ventus, who had the look of “ _soulmate”_ all over his face in a way that he could swore that he recognized, and on the other there was Isa. His best friend that he loved for more than a year by that moment and whom with finally had a chance.

Axel wouldn’t ruin it, he thought at the time. And now, confronting him, he thought that maybe he should’ve. Maybe that way he wouldn’t be that destroyed. So broken.

All of that raised now as an old prophesy of his unavoidable destiny. At the end, maybe the blonds were his weakness.

The golden eyes at the other side of the room squinted menacing and he shuddered prying that that wasn’t obvious. He thought summoning his chakrams but hated the idea of being the one who first raised the hand against someone who he truly loved.

Saïx heavy eyelashes got into his line of vision for a moment and he was uncappable of looking at the redhead in the face. The vertigo hit him fully and all the panorama tainted in red for a moment.

He opened and closed his hands tentatively, swallowing hard, trying to extinguish the sudden thirst that merged as an answer for the overwhelming heat that roasted his insides.

Why everything ended up like that? He truly tried to manage it.

They were still a couple, even at the Organization. They planned to take control, regain their being until been complete, they stuck together.

They found moments to sneak out, they found places to scape, to love each other. A clandestine kiss time to time, the attempt of silence between the sheets in some world where no one knew who they were, way past midnight when they became adults. Axel was always a romantic and he got desperate being uncappable of doing anything else besides gifting him with the only smiles he had, in secret.

Maybe the fact that everything had to be done at closed doors was the main reason of why everything was destroyed now.

Little by little, everything slipped out of his hands. Mission by mission. World by world. Every time they completed an objective for the twisted character that their boss was, it looked like they ruined a little more their relationship.

He lowered his gaze an instant, furrowing his brow. It was, probably, his fault. He was the one that became more distant, more taciturn. His humanity was ripped apart in a quest for a sacrifice that wasn’t _his_ redhead. Regardless it was that alone what pushed him away.

Little by little their encounters were postponed and little by little he got lost in concluding the missions, in doing the paperwork, into following orders. In being Saïx.

Yes, he tried to reach for him, but even he knew better (at least he admitted that to himself), and he knew it was already too late by then.

Bitterly he recalled the first time he saw Roxas and how much he had loathed him. He pretended to ignore him, always afraid that Xemnas in some way _could know_ what that appearance meant to him.

It was identical to the boy at the plaza, with the stupid _yellow_ hair and his stupid _dorky_ smile. He noticed that time how Lea was betrayed by his own Casanova instinct, but he discarded it since he knew him. He thought that he would knew what was best for him and he chose right. Why would his past came back to haunt him with such a thorn? Was that a test for Axel and him?

He didn’t want it but he became colder immediately after the blond arrival. He fought often with his now ex-lover. He fought all the time he could.

Even at closed doors. Even in secret places. One time after another and all the times he permitted it. He looked for every millimetric fault or, if he couldn’t found one, he created them, for the sake of trigger the other one. He didn’t mean to torment him. It wasn’t that at all. He only wanted to _feel._ He only wanted to keep him close.

From time to time a lucky fight ended being settled with the benefits that being an adult carries; tied between sheets or in other occasions, even against a wall in a dark alley.

He really did whatever he needed to have Axel in his power. To have him _back_. But the one with the green eyes wasn’t like that. He wouldn’t stand forever the mistreatment. He wouldn’t resist that constant tension, that sick love-hate relationship. Even if Saïx wanted to lie to himself, even if he kept telling himself that that was what they needed, he perfectly knew that it wouldn’t last. He still was _Lea,_ where he already stopped being _Isa._

The moment Roxas appeared everything started to crumble, and he thought that back then he should’ve guess that everything was only a scheme of his superior, who smiled with that terrifying expression of omniscience.

His love for Lea was the only thing that kept him feeling and maybe Roxas was attracted to destroy it all. And how well he had done that…

First, he felt fear, but then he got rage. A rage stupid and without any foundation, clouded by the jealousy that something that in the end, maybe he helped to provoke.

He sent Roxas with Axel in one mission and another. He gave him the task of taking care of the kid and gave him all the opportunities to cheat on him.

It wasn’t like he has done it, but Saïx was unable to control his necessity to prove the love Axel had for him.

Axel came triumphant out of every test, but as it was expected he built in the place of failure a close friendship with the blond. He never touched him and never tried to, but that wasn’t what bothered the blue-haired man.

Time to time, he had seen how Axel desisted from his company, constructing excuses one more ridiculous than the other.

A specifically time came to his mind. He asked him where he was going and asked him to stay by his side, at least a little.

“ _I have work to do.”_

That was his answer. That was the moment when he knew he already have lost him.

Telling Saïx, who controlled every way in and out that he _“had work to do”_ , when he didn’t assign it to him, was like instructing to the rain about the properties of the water. It was an ** insult.**

He let him go with calm, destroying everything in his path soon after that.

The redhead saw how the characteristic luminescence that surrounded their weapons before they were conjured, glimmered around Saïx hands and felt a knot inside his throat. Was that confession really going to end in combat? His heart trembled dangerously, threatening to brake, only with thinking that he would have to raise his chakrams against whom he once called _the love of his life._ Thinking that he would have to summon his flames to destroy what he once adored.

A blond lightning appeared on the corner of his peripheric vision and he turned his eyes to find the owner of his desires.

Roxas was hidden from Saïx sight, by a pillar by the stairs. He appeared using a corridor of darkness and was crouched down; he was smiling, and Axel saw how that pretty smile disappeared to make way to his preoccupation. He didn’t say anything, but he could guess his fear and confusion from their distance.

Without thinking he gave him a small and discreet smile, with a hint of sadness. He contemplated him fleetingly, terrified that his rival would perceive his presence, since that happening, Saïx would destroy him at the very first chance. Still being unsure if he would be an obstacle between them for enough time for those fierce amber eyes.

The blond kneeled on the floor, a hand still on the column. His Organization blackcoat had the zipper more open that usual and Axel identified the mark that he left there just the day before.

Filled with guilt he once again looked at Saïx, the scar on his forehead serving as a reminder of everything he had to endure.

Axel bit his lip from the inside until it bled; he really played dirty. He could blame the _Claymore_ ’s owner, he could point on his mistakes, he could stigmatize him and create a whole witch hunt against him if he wanted, but deep inside he would always know that the other tried to fix everything.

It wasn’t that Axel didn’t want it, it was simply something that he couldn’t avoid. Roxas finished the job that Ventus started, attracting him like a little harmless asteroid into his powerful gravitational field.

And now, he couldn’t get away from him.

He swore that it was only a friendship. He made a lot of effort for it to be just that. He arranged every encounter to carry Xion along and feel the blame on her tranquil blue eyes. He took her with him as a friend and even more as an implicit chaperone to control the fire that didn’t stop growing and extinguishing his defenses; always conscious of the cruel intentions of the one who was his partner back then.

He constructed every word with a careful friendship wish, but everything went down on the first second they were left alone.

The number thirteen always meant bad luck, after all.

A night before, Roxas couldn’t sleep. He silently sneaked into his bedroom and stood innocently by his side like a lost child.

The blond moved him shyly and whispered, (as if someone else was in the room that could wake up by his words) that for some reason, he was sad and feeling frighteningly alone, as if someone else was missing from his side.

There, Axel fucked everything up. That was his (ironically) fire test and it was exactly the one that he failed.

He took him by the wrist, the part of him that he insisted on touching as many times as he could being the only part of his skin that was exposed. And Axel invited him to sleep by his side.

What a terrible lie that was.

He couldn’t avoid smiling as he remembered. A bitter and masochist smile that only came up because of the pity that he felt for himself.

Saïx felt the ethereal weight of _Claymore_ on his hand and tried to vanish it again. It wasn’t yet visible for the other one, but he felt it there and he knew its meaning.

He was losing control.

 The redhead was waiting, and he noticed. Then, a repulsive sad smile over his lips. That was what everything would be reduced to? To fight until death for love? They couldn’t be more pathetic.

His rage threatened to disappear when, in the distance, he saw behind Axel that absurd raven-haired puppet. That stupid thing stopped to look at him and imitating what someone would classify as _nervousness,_ it interspersed its gaze between him and its… _friend_ time and time again to then concentrate on a dead spot; an absurd marble pillar.

He saw _it_ slightly lethargic by its apparition and a sensation of _déjà vu_ was what hit him in the face the moment his brain made the necessary connection.

It was Roxas. What _that thing_ was looking behind the pillar, was **_Roxas._**

Again, the _wrath_ poured from the deep place his heart used to be.

 _“…Axel!”_ It was that voice what woke him up. A repulsive mix of a whisper and a contained scream. He thought it was another nightmare.

_“Mhp…! Axel!”_

He opened his eyes, a bolt piercing through his body. This time he certainly heard it.

A couple of rhythmical and very subtle pounding sounds that confirmed his suspicion. This time it was real.

 _“Roxas…t-they...nhg… they’ll catch us.”_ It was barely noticeable. Infinitely tenuous, but he would recognize his treacherous voice anywhere.

He didn’t had time for pain. He didn’t had time to feel sad. The hate made his way through every other thought the moment he listened that.

His senses were sharper when he got rid of his feelings and his sense of hearing, more than the others, now that he possessed that part of Xehanort’s heart. Half for his experience and half for this new ability, even when nobody else heard them, he could. And oh…how he despised it. Certainly, privacy was a myth.

Saïx stood up and he dressed up immediately, the disgusting _prostitute_ voice of the blond every time higher pitched that the last, drilling in his mind.

He didn’t know in which moment he summoned his weapon, but there it was, heavier than ever and ready to be hovered over the youngest.

What was Axel thinking? **_He was a fucking brat._**

He didn’t bother in walking. He opened a portal, intentionally just in front of the redhead’s door to open it and catch them in the act.

Saïx hated the same ability that alerted him of that treason. He listened, every movement, every whisper, every moan and he felt like he was getting contaminated every time that blond called the name of _his_ beloved.

He put his hand over the door and just then that putrid intent of puppet got in his way. Just like now.

It repeated its timorous stare and his doubtful steps and just like then, he knew it was presenting to him as an undaunted distraction. It was trying to give them time. And just like back then, he knew it for its eyes.

And then he opened the door, after pushing that dreadful puppet without any second thoughts and there they were. Roxas in Axel’s arms, a puritan saint, covering with the sheets as if he wasn’t being moaning like a _whore_ a second before. And ever worse than that was the redhead, who was shielding him from his sight with the same arms that once held him.

 _“Saïx…I…I can explain.”_ He said, holding that resented blond even more near his chest. He noticed he was grasping his wrist, preventing him for moving away and he also noticed the animadversion in his blue eyes against him. How dare him to put up that façade of despise?

Maybe it wasn’t a façade. He thought. But, if it wasn’t, the sentiment was well returned.

His eyes traveled to the redhead. What was he going to explain to him? That he was tired of coming and going and decided to fuck that imitation of his adolescent slip?

Saïx only curled his lips and left without saying a word.

And there were they again.

\- Ah, there he is. – His body moved only conducted by anger. A sarcastic and defiant body language that was already far from his control.

 – Why do you come here _brat_? Didn’t you have _enough_ last night? -  Every word came out poisoned inevitably from his mouth. – One would think that, because you are a **damned _kid_ ,** that would have to be **_sufficient_ ** for you. I guess it can be expected nothing **from a _skank_ like you**. –

\- Isa! That’s enough! – He knew it was hurting him. He could see it in his eyes. Maybe his lips were lying, but his eyes could never do such thing. Its own color undertones, always changing gave him away. His real name tainted by the pain. – Leave him…This is between you and me. Leave him alone. –

His voice broke by the end of his request and Saïx observed how tears accumulated on his eyes.

\- I am sorry Saïx. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted that. I…I don’t know what happen. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him…-

 _Liar._ He thought, hurt. Did he think that with an apology everything would be fixed? He kept looking at him, defiant and Axel didn’t look away.

There was only pain and regret in those eyes that usually vibrated with joy. He looked again to the column and noticed that Xion wasn’t present anymore. He deduced that the blond wouldn’t have stay as well. They probably ran away by a secret signal that that traitor gave them.

He sighed; the emotional equivalent of a cold-water bucket cooled all his frustrations. He shut his eyes tight and feeling again the absent tingling of not being himself but being controlled, he let himself go into the coldness of the character he constructed. Axel would never hurt him. Never again.

\- You left me for a child, Axel. And you hope that with saying you are sorry everything is fixed? The past means _nothing_ to you? –

When he opened his eyes, he didn’t recognize a bit of what before remained of his friend. There was nothing there for him. The redhead didn’t find anything to tell him. Nothing to defend himself.

\- Forget it Axel. Everything will have to go according to plan. And if you will have to choose ephemeral friends over the true ones, then let me remind you that we were never more than thirteen and no matter how hard you wish to hold to something that doesn’t exist…Sora must come back. –

He turned around and disappeared.

Axel fell to the floor and inhaled sharply understanding the inevitable. That wasn’t a shallow threat and he knew well, it wouldn’t take long to be fulfilled.

\- Don’t forget me… _please_ …- He closed his eyes, knowing perfectly that it was a stupid wish and time was against him.

He would lose everything he had piece by piece. Because probably, by the end, that was what he deserved. One can not destroy a heart without having his paying the equivalent price.

 

 

_\- Tell me Axel…Who am I? – Uncapable of telling him the truth he tried to tell him he was special for him, but the words didn’t come. – I could disappear. No one will miss me. –_

_\- That’s not true! … I would. -But the blond kept walking without listening and in the darkness, the feeling that the original Keyblade user was lurking in the darkness looking for the same chance that the redhead. To recover what he has lost._

_._

_._

_._

_He knew it was the farewell, but not for knowing was it less painful. He didn’t want to look at him because the pain was too much, but at the same time he couldn’t avoid it because of how much he loved him. He thought he should told him…at least once._

_\- You are right. – Roxas said, forcing him to remember what he himself just said, pray of his turbulent emotions. – Well, I should go. Sora is waiting for me. –_

_If he had a heart, it would finally disappear understanding that that was the last time._

_\- Yeah, I suppose he is. – He bit a piece of the sea salt ice cream, hoping the cold pain on his teeth would numb the throbbing agony on his chest. – Man, this is some good ice cream, huh? –_

_An irrelevant comment for an irrelevant wound._

_\- Take care. Ok? - His smile never was more beautiful for him than in that moment. His tears couldn’t remain in place. A single one deciding to launch itself into the precipice in anguish._

_-Until latter…partner. –_

_And he was gone._

_Axel started crying. Hating Sora without any true feeling. Envying Riku. Understanding Saïx._

_Up there, in that clock tower where the twilight never ended._

_He, himself, brought his own destruction._

_And now, he was alone._

_._

_._

_._

_If anyone asked he would assure that it wasn’t planned, but he was only waiting for an opportunity to demonstrate his value. It was the right moment when he appeared like a shinning knight to save the day._

_Xigbar’s face was a prize alone and from the corner of his eye he could even see Riku’s expression, who, no matter how reluctant he was about it, now he was forever in debt with him for saving his precious, oh so **precious** and **only** love._

_\- Axel! –_

_-Axel? Please! The name is Lea. Got it memorizes? – He couldn’t control his auto-sufficient smile. Yes, he was really proud of himself._

_\- You’re not supposed to be here! –_

_Xigbar was beyond uneasy. He was something between astonished and furious. How was he going to waste an opportunity that precious? Riku uncappable to fight, Xigbar raging, the king needing support and on top of that Sora knocked out? That was, certainly his moment._

_\- Promises to keep. I’ll always be there to get my friends back. What, bad timing? You had your perfect little script, but you kinda’ forgot to write the sequel. Now, let’s find out what happens! –_

_Ready to fight he summoned his weapons, still frustrated of not having the trade mark of the guy guys side: The Keyblade._

_Nevertheless, the enemy’s answer left him frozen._

_He hoped that everyone went back to their original state. He sent for Isa, repented and needing his forgiveness._

_A hooded individual with the distinctive coat of the Organization went after him rapidly, after a simple sign from Xehanort._

_He defended himself with his only available arm, the other, holding Sora. He felt the aquamarine eyes of Riku glued on him and he refused to give a step back._

_Then, the black hood fell and blue hair, like no other appeared. Terrible golden eyes piercing him with an indescribable and painful expression of sadness._

_\- … Isa! –_

_And he begged to whatever was caring of their souls for some strength, because the heart he just got back, was shattered again._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! Its me again with another angsty piece of drama.   
> Im sorry guys, but this is what I do best.  
> This was written in spanish first so it took me forever to addapt, I'm pretty lazy translating my own works, either if they start in spanish or english. I wrote this on the first day of the year so...I thought it was time to put it up!  
> I hope you like it, Saïx is a really interesting character I just hope I didn't hurt your love for Roxas or the Akuroku as I did for some of my friends! (I do love Akuroku, but Saïx is so great!)
> 
> I know that in some parts the addaptation of the dialogue may seem off? (Specially in the "Later, partner") But it's because I took the translation of the japanese version in the places I see fit better for this drama. I hope you don't mind. 
> 
> Please leave your comment, kudos or share it with a friend! Im always happy to know about you people and what did you like or not. Ill be around here more often, writting or uploading new stuff since I got a break from my BNHA series.


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